Vindicated

(The title is only that cause thats the song I am listening to)
((Its by Dashboard confessional BTW)) (((Like you didn't know that.)))

So it seems that the situation falls into the neutral catagory when other people are around.
So I will do what I do best.
Ignore it until it slaps me in the face and can be ignored no longer.

On another note, did you see my little last.fm thing?
Now you can listen to my cool music.
In all reality most of my stuff cant be played because last.fm doesnt have the song.
But you can go find the song yourself if you really care that much.

On another side note.
My friend really wants to have his own band.
And one of my few talents is singing.
Not that I am really good.
I just dont make peoples ears bleed.
So he kinda wants me to sing in some of his songs.
Which I suppose I am ok with.
But if he actually does become famous, I get so scared on a stage I couldnt sing live. He would just have to play a recording of me, or I would sing backstge or something.
I am his merch lady though.
So if he does become famous you can come buy some of my designs for his band.
Someone we know recorded one of his own songs and the song itself isnt bad. But his playing and singing is really bad. And the lyrics need some tweeking. I would really enjoy it actually if someone who could sing better and play better did the song.
But now my friend reeeaaaaaaaaaaaally wants to record himself and put it online so people can hear it.
So I told him before I go singing for him I need some voice lessons.
Because 4 years of singing along to rock songs has caused me to lose my good singing voice.
Anyone know a vocal teacher aorund st. pete florida who is kinda cheap and would let me just take a lesson or 2?



Oh well.
-sings to Keep it Comin'-



oh oh!
and I got new headphones.
They are love.

conspiracy

So now I tend to think the friend who really likes me, is working with his mother to keep me around. Cause he started with me the other day and I let something slip (he tends to give off these "god I wanna kiss you" vibes and gets this look so I said "god you are obvious" he asked me what and I said nevermind!! but I suppose he heard me.) So a few days later he decided to bring it up in a coversation, he was having a very b ad day that day (the nect day he was going to attend a friends funeral, its sad when young people die. I shall throw this out cause I feel like it RIP Ryan, he was 24 ((I think)) and died in a motorcycle accident.) So I told him he didnt want to start with me cause I didnt know what I would say (probably something along the lines of, since you cant have me as just a friend I cant have you as anything) ((which I really dont want to say.. I am avoiding the situation as long as I can..)) but I did tell him how I was being beaten down by the stress of the 2 situations (not what those 2 were though, he is smart enough to figure out it had to do with my only 2 friends) and not much else.
So here is where his mom comes in, cause see he really doesnt like his mom a whole hell of a lot, and yet just recently I have been intived to breakfast with him and her (my mother was invited along to as an afterthought) and to a cookout with his family and some friends. And! here is the icing on the cake, the other day I sad sometihng about not eating hotdogs or hamburgers and he told his mom so she ran out to get chicken for the cookout so I would have something to eat. He doesnt like talking to his mom, period, why would he tell her that? maybe so I would have food, I suppose, but it wasnt a fact I was coming and its not like I would starve if they didnt have any.
I dunno its just weird to me.
I think he figured out I might have ot be rid of him soon
so he is doing his best to keep me around.
Too bad I know what he is doing, and it mighto nly being making the situation worse.
Also he took a picture awhile back of the two of us with his phone, he was laying on my back and our faces were pretty much pressed together, so besides me looking like crap in the photo it looked like we were a couple or something. So I was joking (at first) and said, what are you gonna do with that make it the wall? so he did. and I got pissy, cause I dont want people seeing that and assuming we are together (enough people do that when they see us hanging, my guy friends are like 75% of the reason I am still single no doubt)so I tried to delete it. But he wouldnt let me. Then he sent it to my phone to piss me off. And so finally yesterday, with the help of my violent sister, I got him to delete it. and he was all emo about it!
I mean seriously! No friend would be emo about another friend making you delete a shit photo and not have them as your fucking wallpaper. Course I almost felt bad, and if he was just a friend I would have given him a kiss on the cheek to make up for it, but like fuck I am doing that in this situation.
BTW he just made the only other photo he had of me as his wallpaper, its basically a boob shot cause you cant see my face since I covered it with my arm, so all it really is is my boobs and stomach.
fablous. Does he not get that every person who looks at he phone is gonna assume I am his gf? dumbass -_- (thats the only reason my sister helped me to delete the other picture, cause it looked like we were together and she knows I hate that, and is on my side.)

It would be much easier if he was gay. (I am serious all the situations wouldnt mean anything then.)

And my other friend went on a vacation of sorts last week. So after about a week I finally hear from him. And all he says is "almost all the stuff for the site is done. You need to fix the nav bar and thats it." and "is the same srtup as last time fine with you?"

I wonder if he is trying to pull away from me? Maybe he knows I will kick his ass when I "find out" he smokes. (I say "find out" since I already know, but he doesnt know I know) Or maybe he reads this blog and figured out I know he is gonna fall on his face again and it hurts me to see him fucking his life up.
Either way I think he is trying to distance himself from me. And I kinda wanna fight it so I am not alone, but I would rather him pull away from me then me have to pull away from him.(cause in my mind that means it will hurt him less, which is a good thing in my opinion.)

Heartbreaks and Cornflakes

The title sounds like an emo song doesn't it? I kinda like it ^-^

so.
I need to just say some stuff because well, I think it is really stressing me out. And maybe if by some off chance someone comes along and reads this they can give me some good advise, or pull me out of this horrible situation.


When I was younger almost no one seemed to like me. Not as in a friend way, I was on good terms with almost every person I met and had a large group of wonderful friends. No see by not liking me I mean that no one had a cute school crush on me like I might on them. Now of course it didnt really matter when I was younger but when I got to high school and it still seemed like that it was a major bummer.
So when 10th grade rolled around (or I think it was 10th, maybe late 10th) I assumed I would be alone again and that would be ok. I would have my small group of friends, almost all of which are guys, and be happy. No, this isn't the case. The more I began to enjoy my friends the more I found out. I found out that there was not a single one who didn't have a crush on me. The only thing I could think of was damn all those birthday wishes I made for someone to like me. (btw after that I changed my wish to "I want someone to like me", to "I want someone to like me who I can like back.")The only issue was, I didn't like any of them in any way even close to wanting to date. No, they were barely friends to me, since I wasn't really myself around them (thats another story all together, too much typing for right now) so how could I think of them in that way? Plus I am a big supporter of "if you don't think they are attractive you can't have a legit relationship with them" and since none of them were cute to me, how could I even try?

As time progressed some of them got better, they got over me or dated me, only luis of course, but others got worse. 2 specific ones to be exact. Which starts me off on this horrible situation I am currently in. Because you see, these 2 happen to be the only 2 people I can stand as having as friends right now.
One of them has decided to turn to cutting and drinking and now smoking to deal with the "stress" in his life. In all reality he could easily deal with the "stress" like any other person, his "stress" is nothing more then petty problems all people deal with. But he chooses to be over dramatic and hurt everyone around him. Including me. I have tried for so long (3 years at least) to help him and make sure he is happy. But he only gets worse, which hurts me. He also lashes out at people more and more, and I happen to be one of his favorites it seems.
The other person who is someone I wished to have close to me for a long time, cant seem to grasp the concept of me not liking him. He trys to get more then what I can give him. Which was something the first person also did. But this person, oh he is taking it too far. See I am the kind of person who is naturally flirty and touchy-feely, not because I like you like that or not because I try to be or am giving off signals, that is just the way I am with friends. So often times I get into cute little wrestling matches or something along those lines with friends. But this person has taken it to almost the next level, which I am very uncomfortable with. He has a thing where he likes to complain because I win so much, course everyone I know could kick my ass if they liked, but they let me win, plus they fear hurting me so its easier for me to win. So he decided not to long ago to throw this lovely line in "I am going to win. I have a secret weapon. You know what hersheys makes right?" at first being the natural blonde I am I go "chocolate?" and he tells me to think more specific.. then it dawns on me. The bastard is threaning to kiss me if I don't let him win! WTF IS THIS SHIT?!? is all I can think! yes well, it has continued on since, whnever I start something or he starts something (it doesnt even need to be the wrestling matches) he goes "I could easily win again." and of course I just give up because, hell, if he kisses me our friendship is over. If he kisses me I can't ignore his feelings like I have been. If he kisses me I will be forced to say goodbye to him forever.
Not to mention both of them are getting a little too personal with their perverted jokes. I laugh at a joke or two about my boobs thrown into the mix every once in awhile, and I start fights about how my ass is indeed obsessive worthy. But when it gets to be part of almost every joke, when my ass is slapped more then once in a 3 month period, and when it gets too be way too personal, I start to worry.

So now I have to deal with both situations, and I dont know how to deal with either. Because the only solution I can think of is to stop talking to both of them. But then I would be alone and I dont think I could survive like that.

I seem unable to deal with the stress of it all.
Ive gotten to the point where in the past week and half I have been unable to eat much, just yesterday I was finally able to eat but it upset my stomach afterwards. And since the beginning of this, and continueing on, I havent felt hungry, I have to force myself into believeing I need to eat, or wait until I get a serious headache or stomach ache telling me I need to eat.
Ive gotten to the point where if I knew the other wouldnt get hurt, I would force myself into a elationdhip with one of them, in hopes of them being happy. I wouldnt be happy, and I wouldnt enjoy it and I am sure sooner or later they wouldnt be happy in a relationship like that either, but atleast it would do something for them for a little bit.
Ive gotten to the point where I dont want to tell my mother any of this because she will think I am realyl on the verge of breaking down and being crazy and she will send me to a therpist who would put me on meds. And I dont need meds, they only make you happy to a certain extent, and I can force myself to be that happy, the surface happy where you can have a nice day even though everything is fucked up. I dont need drugs for that.
Ive gotten to the point where when I told my mom some of it she thought sending me to illinois to stay with my family up there for a little bit would be worth it. Till she remembmer how much my grandpa stresses me out and decided aganist it.
Ive gotten to the point where I need to get a job so I can afford my own apt so I can get away form everyone. And I will once I get one be staying in a shit apt because these 2 people were suppost to be my roommates but by the time that happens I fear one will be dead, or at the very least emoing still and still be jobless, and the other would have crossed the boundries and I wont be talking to him any longer.

Ive gotten to the point where hiding and being alone seems to be my only good option.


and ive gotten to the point where I hope to whatever good there is in the world that no one I know reads this so they dont try to help me. because they are all idiots when it comes to helping people. and will only make it worse.

Lyrics and shitheads

Ever feel like you are overreacting on something but at the same time you feel like you are very justified in what you are feeling?
I have 2 friends in my life. It isn't really a concious decision to have that little number of friends but I can't seem to want to even think about spending time with anyone else I know because they are all so stupid and immature.
Not that the 2 I consider friends are very mature. I give them the smart thing, but they don't use their smarts all the time; which is worse then not having any in the first place.
There is some background story on this though, see the two of them didn't use to get along. It wasn't that they disliked eachother but rather they just didn't click and perfered to not spend time with eachother if it was possible. If not they would be respectful, as much as those two are on a normal basis, and put up with it. So I was stuck in the middle, I could only do something with one of them at the time. This wasn't really hard since one of my friends (we shall call one C and the other is B) C has some socializing issues and doesn't like to do much anyway. However a few months ago C decided he would like to start doing more things, and that he was ok with hanging out with B. B has no problem with this since he never really disliked C in the first place. So me and B and C started to hang out. It was very lovely, I got to have a social life, B was finally happy because he got to do stuff and C was just more happy in general.
Now with C's socializing problems comes C's fucked up thought process. One of his idiosyncrasies (yes I had to look up the spelling for that) is that when he falls in love he will no longer need friends or family, just that person, and that person will make him happy no matter what. Well see, this always fails him, mostly I think because he relies too much on the person. And I get to be the lucky person to pick up all the pieces, not that I mind it's kind of a born talent for me.
Now this is where my true rant begins. If I am the oen too always fix the problem, is it really fair to not tell me anything and put meafter everything else when you get in a relationship? Ok well I suppose if you are doing that to everyone else and your gf should come first, but is it fair to then expect me to know when you are having problems with this person? Is it fair for you to expect me to jump on the banwagoon and smooth out all the rough patches that come along? Is it fair to not longer hang out with me, and cancel plans with me because of this person? Hell no it is not! But I hold my tongue.
Till you be an ass to me.
If you are going to ask me what is up, (and mean it, not just start a conversation with "wats up?") then listen to me not tell me you dont care. If you don't care fine, but shut up and listen anyway since I do it for you all the time.
And don't think me being pissy isn't your fault, I kept my mouth shut so you don't know I am mad, but don't expect me to hold my tongue with you get snippy with me because she hasn't talked to you and I didn't know.



On another note,
I am suppost to take the Adobe certification tomorrow (for photoshop). However, I did not know this till today, around 5 pm.
The school set it up soi don't really have a choice.
But christ, couldn't they have given me a week to study or something?
I hope I don't fail and waste 150$. Not that I paid, they did so I suppose I shouldn't care.
But I do.
I wanna pass.
I hope I do.

I want to throw some random lyrics in here.. so I think I will.
Because some of these kind of sum up how I have been feeling about situations ive been in while I have no been blogging and others are just cool.

He tastes like you only sweeter- Thnks Fr Th Mmrs Fall Out Boy

I never said that I didn't need you
Put down your arms
And wrap them both right around me- Boulders New Found Glory

I woke up one morning to find myself wrapped in the things I swore I'd never touch.-Too Many Words Sick Puppies

Btw I decided to start posting in here more often. Specially since I am graduating on monday, I will have lots of free time since I am also jobless.
I need to talk about stuff since I can no longer be really mad or sad. I cant cry unless I am crying at movies, because there is no feleing behind it, cept for feeling sorry for the person. And I cant feel hungry anymore, weird hu?
So expect more.
I talk like people actually read this.